Let me tell you: I liked it. I really really really liked it.

[theholyinnocent]

There were balloons and people everywhere on the stage, and I was so confused because the baby started crying and Bristol started crying and saying, But like, I don’t want to get married and the little ones were saying The blonde skeleton lady scares us Mommy! but I wasn’t listening—well, maybe I was a little because they were playing “Barracuda” (boy, you ladies from Heart sure are killjoys, aren’t you?) and that so rocks but you know what, in my head I was hearing something else, because that’s when I saw her. It was like she waiting in the wings for me because—because she was waiting in the wings for me! Sometimes Jesus hits us over the head with His bounty and his messages all at once. No subtlety from our Savior!

But she was there, and she led me away from the crowd and before I could say, “Who are you and where’s my handgun?” she touched my lips so gently, it was softer than the fur on the moose head at the lodge, and it effectively silenced me, and she said, Puedes escuchar, Fernando?

That was it. I done better than a venison burger on a gas grill. Who was this mysterious woman who could speak French or something like it like a foreigner, who knew my innermost secret? ‘Cause suddenly it took me back to Camp Caribou and that summer night with the counselor and the homemade hooch and my cousin throwing up near the fire and the girls saying No more fuckin' Kumbaya, we want ABBA and so they got the tape deck out and as the flutes played the counselor led me away to the lake, where under the blanket of night she did beautifully unspeakable things to me that made me sing to the stars but that to this day my husband will not do unless I buy him a new snowmobile. Do you know how many dang snowmobiles that man owns now? Men and snowmobiles are a dime a dozen but I tell you what, a good orgasm is hard to find. Did I just say that? As long as I'm married and as long as Jesus is down with it, it's all good.

Photo filched from New York magazine.

Comments

[ex-humanfema327.livejournal.com]

this is beautiful. moving. i am close to tears.

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

I am close to tears because I really think the idiots in this country are going to get her elected. Oh, my country frightens me so!

[cabenson.livejournal.com]

Stop making me laugh-it's hard to breath!

and she said, Puedes escuchar, Fernando?
Ah, the line that causes a million women to lose their panties. Thank you Fernando, thank you ABBA.

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

Well, I figured if it works for you...

[narcolepsy-slds.livejournal.com]

lol, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
and ... breaking up is never easy, I know but I have to go.

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

Heh. I know I've said this before, but I really need an ABBA icon.

[badtyler.livejournal.com]

And no Cool Whip was necessary...

That? Should be on the front page of the New York Times.

*g*

[sandyosullivan.livejournal.com]

Actually THI... not only brilliant, but a modification of what Ty said would be to offer it to Foxnews... they might broadcast it (though you might have to change the image to Hill, because they LOVE Sarah, apparently she's an American Woman now - just in case you thought Alaska wasn't in Amerikey).

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

Don't underestimate America's passion for girl-on-girl action, Sandy. FauxNews, I'm sure, would rather fantasize about Palin than Hills.

(zomg alaskah is in teh US>???1111lol)

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

You know, it might bump up sales for the Grey Lady! It would also put it on about the same level as the Post too. :)

[badtyler.livejournal.com]

Very true...
Heh, the Post could use a good kick in the pants!

[stargazer1960.livejournal.com]

Jesus said we should all wear lipstick. Barracudas, pit bulls, piglets, unwed daughters, and men on snowmobiles.

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

Do you think you could work all those elements into a poem, SG? Including Jesus in lipstick? Consider this your assignment for the day!

[stargazer1960.livejournal.com]

I am so on it already!

*sigh*

[psimilarity.livejournal.com]

If you had to do the same again, you would, my friend.

Re: *sigh*

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

I would. Except I would make her put the rifle away first.

Re: *sigh*

[raginhoops.livejournal.com]

But think of the powder burns!!!!

[commasplice103.livejournal.com]

you are making politics interesting. This may not be forgivable, but it is certainly entertaining.

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

Dirty job, but someone's gotta do it!

[macayagirl.livejournal.com]

oh, no fair! I know this was too easy for you, like shooting fish on an alaskan wildlife preserve.

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

I can't help it! The woman is an easy target!

[fewthistle.livejournal.com]

Inside your head is a wild and scary place, isn't it, my dearest, most brilliant THI?

Now I won't ever be able to look at Sarah again without humming a little ABBA and picturing illicit acts under the Northern Lights...Curse you, AquaScum!!

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

It is indeed, my dear Few! But better to be where the wild things are than in the Arctic wasteland of La Palin's mind!

So I'm thinking that aside from debates, there should be a caged wrestling match between Sarah and Hills....maybe bikinis, maybe Rachel Maddow can officiate. Or join in.

[fewthistle.livejournal.com]

So I'm thinking that aside from debates, there should be a caged wrestling match between Sarah and Hills....maybe bikinis, maybe Rachel Maddow can officiate. Or join in.

Is it just terribly pathetic that just the thought of that makes me smile?

Yeah, it is.

Still, if it happens, front row seats for me, baby! ;-)

[projectcyborg.livejournal.com]

ooh, a glimpse into the secret life of fakesarahpalin!

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

If she wins, we're all decamping to Homosexico!