The Sharing of Stupidities
Jan. 3rd, 2006 11:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
theholyinnocentHappy New Year, everyone!
At last, the holidays are past. But I have been remiss in sharing the joy of the season with you. As many of you know, the hallowed holiday known as Festivus possesses, a major component of its festivities known as The Airing of Grievances. In honor of my increasing admiration for the show My Name is Earl and in particular its rechristening [hyuk] of Christmas as Feliz Naviblah, I present to you my own Feliz Naviblah-inspired, post-holiday funzone known as The Sharing of Stupidities.
1. Penn Station, December 24, absurdly early for train.
Me: You got your meds, right? [Referring to spouse's blood pressure medication and not a fun drug like Vicodin or Valium or something, m'kay?]
Spouse: [very blank look of distress on face]
Me [very helpful]: Uh oh.
This was probably all my fault. I don't know how, but it was. She was probably distracted by my beauty that morning. Or perhaps my constant whining for coffee.
2. Christmas Day at sister's house, approximately 11:30 pm, after much eating and drinking and fruitlessly watching about 7 hours of a Law and Order holiday marathon in the vain, absurd hopes of seeing an Abbie episode but wouldn't you know it, the fucking bastards, who seem to be moving through the show in chronological ADA order, go straight from Jamie to the Rohmbot! Fuckers!
Frantic phone call from catsitter in New York: I've just tried to get into your apartment but the key's not working! You didn't by any chance get a lock changed or something, did you?
Me: Well, no we didn't get the locked changed...
Brain [sounding suspiciously like Dr. Cox on Scrubs: Just hold on one second there, Wilma. Perhaps you were not personally responsible for the changing of the lock, but if I recall correctly...Pretty Airhead Neighbor upstairs got mugged over the summer--yes I know, it's not PAN's fault she got mugged, I'm not blaming the victim but you just know she was traipsing through a waterfront neighborhood swinging that big old purse of hers in a big old casual arc of happiness like she was auditioning for a Stayfree commercial--and thus lost her keys and your landlady's minions had to change the lock on the front door of the building AND SO YOU FORGOT TO MAKE A COPY OF THE NEW KEY FOR THE CATSITTER AND YOU GAVE HER THE OLD SET OF SPARE KEYS.
Me: ...uh, actually yeah, the lock was changed.
In Brooklyn, no one can hear your cat scream. Until you frantically rush home the next day from luckily notsofaraway to feed the hysterical motherfucker.
3. Sunday, New Year's Day.
Spouse: Are you sure you have to work tomorrow? I have off. I think a lot of places have off.
Me: Baby, you know how my shitass "not for profit" bleeding heart academic liberal workplace loves to gyp me out of not only a decent paycheck, but out of every freakin' holiday they can think of! Of course I have to work tomorrow!
Yesteday, shortly after 9 am.
Me [approaching darkened, empty office building]: Fuck.
[Goes in, checks email, abuses printer, goes home.]
In closing, I must say I'm happy the holidays are over, and my lone resolution for 2006 is to keep my head out of my ass as much as possible.
Wish me luck.
At last, the holidays are past. But I have been remiss in sharing the joy of the season with you. As many of you know, the hallowed holiday known as Festivus possesses, a major component of its festivities known as The Airing of Grievances. In honor of my increasing admiration for the show My Name is Earl and in particular its rechristening [hyuk] of Christmas as Feliz Naviblah, I present to you my own Feliz Naviblah-inspired, post-holiday funzone known as The Sharing of Stupidities.
1. Penn Station, December 24, absurdly early for train.
Me: You got your meds, right? [Referring to spouse's blood pressure medication and not a fun drug like Vicodin or Valium or something, m'kay?]
Spouse: [very blank look of distress on face]
Me [very helpful]: Uh oh.
This was probably all my fault. I don't know how, but it was. She was probably distracted by my beauty that morning. Or perhaps my constant whining for coffee.
2. Christmas Day at sister's house, approximately 11:30 pm, after much eating and drinking and fruitlessly watching about 7 hours of a Law and Order holiday marathon in the vain, absurd hopes of seeing an Abbie episode but wouldn't you know it, the fucking bastards, who seem to be moving through the show in chronological ADA order, go straight from Jamie to the Rohmbot! Fuckers!
Frantic phone call from catsitter in New York: I've just tried to get into your apartment but the key's not working! You didn't by any chance get a lock changed or something, did you?
Me: Well, no we didn't get the locked changed...
Brain [sounding suspiciously like Dr. Cox on Scrubs: Just hold on one second there, Wilma. Perhaps you were not personally responsible for the changing of the lock, but if I recall correctly...Pretty Airhead Neighbor upstairs got mugged over the summer--yes I know, it's not PAN's fault she got mugged, I'm not blaming the victim but you just know she was traipsing through a waterfront neighborhood swinging that big old purse of hers in a big old casual arc of happiness like she was auditioning for a Stayfree commercial--and thus lost her keys and your landlady's minions had to change the lock on the front door of the building AND SO YOU FORGOT TO MAKE A COPY OF THE NEW KEY FOR THE CATSITTER AND YOU GAVE HER THE OLD SET OF SPARE KEYS.
Me: ...uh, actually yeah, the lock was changed.
In Brooklyn, no one can hear your cat scream. Until you frantically rush home the next day from luckily notsofaraway to feed the hysterical motherfucker.
3. Sunday, New Year's Day.
Spouse: Are you sure you have to work tomorrow? I have off. I think a lot of places have off.
Me: Baby, you know how my shitass "not for profit" bleeding heart academic liberal workplace loves to gyp me out of not only a decent paycheck, but out of every freakin' holiday they can think of! Of course I have to work tomorrow!
Yesteday, shortly after 9 am.
Me [approaching darkened, empty office building]: Fuck.
[Goes in, checks email, abuses printer, goes home.]
In closing, I must say I'm happy the holidays are over, and my lone resolution for 2006 is to keep my head out of my ass as much as possible.
Wish me luck.
