theholyinnocent: (Default)
Look, I realize that your time is so much more valuable than mine, like, you're all so busy and shit, but it would be really, really, really great if you would read this.
theholyinnocent: (Default)
1. Oh hai, i iz teh internets news111!!!

2. Girl, I wanna take you to a gay bar. Oh, sorry, I can't. Now, I'm all for gay guys to get down in a space of their own (hey, how 70s do I sound today? Or everyday, for that fucking matter?) but whenever I hear the term "aggressive lesbians" I can't help but feel that we are being painted with the same old stereotypical tarbrush. Oh, the lesbians! Give them a pint of lager and THEY GO BESERK. Although some of us do behave badly and if there are dykes down under berating gay men and their sexual practices, shame on you--you've gotten us lumped in with the straights, for fuck's sake. And sure, there was the time [ profile] adastranot was thrown out of an Italian restaurant for demanding too much cheese, but damn it, the woman must have her Parmesian.

3. In Barnes and Nobles this past weekend: My fingertips lightly skim the shiny new titles at the "new fiction" table...except that the new fiction titles are mostly memoirs. Still, after all these years.

Hello. I do not want to read your memoir. I do not want to know about your drunken mommy or your depressed daddy or what your therapist did to your dog or how your mother fed your family of 17 glue paste and spam because she couldn't afford anything else. I want you to brush up against me, I want you to touch my arm and say, hey, wait and crookedly smile at me in such a very disarming and disingenuous fashion that I will have no choice but to stand there, to smile back, and to listen. Tell me a story. Tell me all your pretty lies.
theholyinnocent: (Default)
This morning, thanks to some apathetic/vengeful underpaid employee at an upscale food market, I mistook a carrot raisin muffin for a cranberry nut muffin. Because the sign under it said "CRANBERRY NUT." Perhaps, however, it is an elaborate conspiracy to make patrons eat healthier? Particularly the patrons too lazy to complain? (Raise your hand, please.)

Here are some comic book funnys, followed by many comments of "hey, you stole this from superdickery!" but who cares, they're still funny. In one panel Wonder Woman is the smartest woman EVER, and in another said superheroine frets about damaging her eyelashes.

ETA: The missus informs me that beautiful Knut has made the cover of German Vanity Fair... Knut, I'll still love you when you're grown up and eating seals for brunch.
theholyinnocent: (Default)
The mighty mighty tagging project is done! This may be of little concern to all of you except [ profile] maroukian, who needs to catch up on her pretentious twat quotes. Even the missus in her sickly, cranky state (she has a vicious cold) made a contribution: the "it's stupid--who cares?" tag! Does this mean she wants to slap said tag on me? Quite possibly, as I laughed like hell when I saw a trailer for Grindhouse on TV the other night...more specifically, the "Death Terror" segment with Rose McGowan and her machine gun leg.

My spouse, however, was not amused by the machine gun leg, deemed it "repulsive," and quietly filed away the incident as evidence of insensitive, doltish, male-like behavior on my part (other evidence includes watching baseball, drinking milk out of carton, eating applesauce out of jar, indifference to state of toilet bowl, the world stopping for Victoria's Secret commercials, etc.).

So, dear readers, I put it to you:

[Poll #949691]
theholyinnocent: (earl by iconofilth)
Happy New Year, everyone!

At last, the holidays are past. But I have been remiss in sharing the joy of the season with you. As many of you know, the hallowed holiday known as Festivus possesses, a major component of its festivities known as The Airing of Grievances. In honor of my increasing admiration for the show My Name is Earl and in particular its rechristening [hyuk] of Christmas as Feliz Naviblah, I present to you my own Feliz Naviblah-inspired, post-holiday funzone known as The Sharing of Stupidities.

1. Penn Station, December 24, absurdly early for train.

Me: You got your meds, right? [Referring to spouse's blood pressure medication and not a fun drug like Vicodin or Valium or something, m'kay?]

Spouse: [very blank look of distress on face]

Me [very helpful]: Uh oh.

This was probably all my fault. I don't know how, but it was. She was probably distracted by my beauty that morning. Or perhaps my constant whining for coffee.

2. Christmas Day at sister's house, approximately 11:30 pm, after much eating and drinking and fruitlessly watching about 7 hours of a Law and Order holiday marathon in the vain, absurd hopes of seeing an Abbie episode but wouldn't you know it, the fucking bastards, who seem to be moving through the show in chronological ADA order, go straight from Jamie to the Rohmbot! Fuckers!

Frantic phone call from catsitter in New York: I've just tried to get into your apartment but the key's not working! You didn't by any chance get a lock changed or something, did you?

Me: Well, no we didn't get the locked changed...

Brain [sounding suspiciously like Dr. Cox on Scrubs: Just hold on one second there, Wilma. Perhaps you were not personally responsible for the changing of the lock, but if I recall correctly...Pretty Airhead Neighbor upstairs got mugged over the summer--yes I know, it's not PAN's fault she got mugged, I'm not blaming the victim but you just know she was traipsing through a waterfront neighborhood swinging that big old purse of hers in a big old casual arc of happiness like she was auditioning for a Stayfree commercial--and thus lost her keys and your landlady's minions had to change the lock on the front door of the building AND SO YOU FORGOT TO MAKE A COPY OF THE NEW KEY FOR THE CATSITTER AND YOU GAVE HER THE OLD SET OF SPARE KEYS.

Me: ...uh, actually yeah, the lock was changed.

In Brooklyn, no one can hear your cat scream. Until you frantically rush home the next day from luckily notsofaraway to feed the hysterical motherfucker.

3. Sunday, New Year's Day.

Spouse: Are you sure you have to work tomorrow? I have off. I think a lot of places have off.

Me: Baby, you know how my shitass "not for profit" bleeding heart academic liberal workplace loves to gyp me out of not only a decent paycheck, but out of every freakin' holiday they can think of! Of course I have to work tomorrow!

Yesteday, shortly after 9 am.

Me [approaching darkened, empty office building]: Fuck.

[Goes in, checks email, abuses printer, goes home.]

In closing, I must say I'm happy the holidays are over, and my lone resolution for 2006 is to keep my head out of my ass as much as possible.

Wish me luck.
theholyinnocent: (Default)
List seven songs you are into right now.

No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your LJ along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to...

1. Cocaine and Gin ~ Death in Vegas

2. Utopia ~ Goldfrapp

3. Empty ~ Metric

4. Romanesca ~ Diego Ortiz, performed by Hesperion XXI (actually, I love the entire CD this is from: Ostinato)

5. Drake ~ Beth Gibbons & Rustin Man (and no, I have no idea who Rustin Man is--even though I have the CD--but Beth Gibbons is/was the lead singer from Portishead)

6. 65 Days of Static ~ Radio Protector [Heathcliff strikes again!]

7. A History of Lovers ~ Calexico/Iron & Wine

I tag everybody!
theholyinnocent: (Default)
I know you have all been missing me terribly and wondering where I've been. Well, at least [ profile] ultraviolet730 has...actually she was just wondering where I was...okay, just pretend you've all been missing me terribly, all right? "oooh, holy, you rapacious bitch, where you been, girl?"

Well, I was in Italy for 2 weeks. No lie, peoples! Teh Wife and I were in Rome for a while, then headed downcoast to Sorrento, where we took a couple cool day trips to Capri and Pompei. I've got many photos to share, and will post some as soon as we get them downloaded off the camera. I'm also writing up a travelogue of sorts that I hope to post in the coming days. For those of you who don't care to wade through my prose, here's the abridged travelogue:


2. While the flights were really good, I'm still terrified of flying. (And what sadist on AmericanAirlines thought it was funny to show "Fever Pitch" to a group of people flying to New York? Waah.)

3. Never travel with friends who have not fully reconciled their marital differences. Just a little tidbit of wisdom from me to you.

4. Rome. Amazing.

5. Ditto to Pompei.

6. And Capri? Filled with rich bastards but still gorgeous.

If I've missed any significant developments in anyone's life or journal, do leave a comment. I burst into mad, piteous sobbing after only one page of flist entries and can go no further. How I have missed my H-Bomb's rants and food pr0n, [ profile] slammerkinbabe's gazillion polls, Aqua Velvet getting all Xena on deck nails and chirpily reminding us all that math is good for you, gosh darnit, [ profile] cabenson's boozy-woozy postings and incisive, Dick Cavett-like questions, [ profile] projectjulie's pictures and meta musings, and all the rest of you fabu people too. :)

Other things:

Here's to you, Rosa Parks.

Lucy Lawless? Your career is in the crapper and you are Officially Not Hot anymore.

President Dickwad? You couldn't keep me out of the country, hahahahaha!
theholyinnocent: (Default)

LJ Interests meme results

  1. anglophile:
    I've always wanted to be British. Tea and repression, that's the way to go! Unless you're Patsy and Eddie.
  2. caravaggio:
    One of my favorite painters. Plus Derek Jarman made a great film about him.
  3. dave's true story:
    DTS is a wonderful NYC-based band; their big claim to fame are songs on the soundtrack of Kissing Jessica Stein {aka, "No Thanks, I Munched on Rug for Lunch."}. They have a very cool, jazzy, be-bop sound built around Dave Cantor's wicked-clever lyrics and Kelly Flynt's beautiful, clear vocals.
  4. film noir:
    Listen, I ain't gotta justify this to no one, see? You might as well ask me why a cat likes milk or a Republican likes money. You dames are all alike. Hell, women are like vodka. You're all cool and clear on the surface and we think we know what you're all about, but once you get inside someone you rip 'em apart. Where the hell is my fedora?
  5. italy:
    Food, wine, women. What's not to love?
  6. magnetic fields:
    Another cool band! Although the alleged felching allegations toward Mr. Merritt weight heavily upon my perverse brain.
  7. nick drake:
    ...wrote some of the most beautiful songs EVAR.
  8. pretentious twats:
    Because I am one.
  9. sam phillips:
    My goddess! I burble on enough about her, so I'll spare you.
  10. techno:
    It's the perfect kind of background music for work.

Enter your LJ user name, and 10 interests will be selected from your interest list.

theholyinnocent: (Default)
List 3 things that bug you - things that others may find trivial. Then tag 6 of your friends. Only list 3 things because you may/can be tagged again.

1. Republicans.
2. People who are rude.
3. Those creepy Burger King commercials. Seriously, if I woke up with that in my bed, it would be like the scene in The Godfather when Jack Woltz wakes up and finds the horse's head right beside him.

I tag everybody!


Aug. 1st, 2005 10:42 am
theholyinnocent: (Default)
Five Reasons I am an Asshole (Meme "courtesy" of [ profile] cabenson):

1. I like to make fun of Germans. After all, they started that goddamn war.

2. I am really a pretentious twat and not as smart as you think I may be.

3. While I am hardly approaching beauty queen status, or even beauty geek status, I am ridiculously vain enough so that I will not wear my glasses as often as I should. (Although this may be changing since, really, I can't see a goddamn thing anymore.)

4. I like to play the martyr.

5. I'm lazy, selfish, I like to hold a grudge, I sometimes feel threatened by people who are smarter than I am, I want to kill people who invade my personal space on the subway, I want to kill people who talk incessantly about their children (unless your 5-year-old has discovered a cure for cancer, I don't wanna hear about it), I sometimes think I'm cooler than I actually am, and if I really thought I could get away with stealing tons of money I'd do it in a heartbeat, no matter what it was.

Tag: Everybody who knows, deep in their bleak black hearts, that he/she is an asshole.


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