"Take me!" she screamed like an antelope at an NRA convention...

[theholyinnocent]

The Bad Sex Awards are back. As seen in the link, the Guardian has given us a list of passages in the running. Vote for your favorite in the comments! I think I'm going for the Marlon Brando quote myself.

Comments

[ralst.livejournal.com]

I think the first three were definitely the worse. The Brando story had me totally confused, as I tried to work out how many people were in the room, and who exactly was speaking. The one after that nearly caused me to faint from lack of oxygen, and I'm still not sure if the poor man's prick ever stopped its fountain impression.

Were they attempting to promote celibacy? Or is that poor men go through just to have sex? If so, I'm starting to understand why so many of them like to kill things.

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the Brando story was totally whack. "Oh Lord, I'm-a coming!" made me think of Bible School.

If so, I'm starting to understand why so many of them like to kill things.

Hahaha! Maybe John Updike needs to put down that pen and take up hunting.

[godessillyria.livejournal.com]

I'm torn between 1 and 4. The first reminds me of ham, which is in my sandwich with a lovely honey mustard.

#4 reminds me of ponies. I like ponies. Ponies are pretty. Tally ho!!!

I need a drink now....and a big pin so I can never read something like that again.

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

The first reminds me of ham, which is in my sandwich with a lovely honey mustard.

Hahahahaha...stop right there, before you start writing erotica! We'll have to call an intervention.

[cabenson.livejournal.com]

Oh. My. God.

While I love the title, "Memories of My Melancholy Whores", I don't think I'll ever be able to think of Christmas breezes as a mere windy day in December.

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

"Memories of My Melancholy Whores"

It should be the title of your autobiography. Or maybe, "Memories of My Drunk Scottish Stripper." :)

more of a sauce, less of a glaze?

[aqua-blurr.livejournal.com]

I'm speechless. I can't pick a worst one. Butterball thigh. I just... haven't the words. Eagle eyes of a bunch of crows? What was he thinking? I mean, how long had he been staring at the page when he thought, "Yeah! ...eagle eyes of a bunch of crows.' That's perfect!"

What should carry more weight: bad dialogue (Oh-la-jolly well-la), bad metaphors, squickish descriptions, unintended hilarity? What about the one that hits all three? Like Zorro! OK, I vote for that one, #3.

Re: more of a sauce, less of a glaze?

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

Yeah, #3 was pretty bad. You'd think any woman confronted with a penis that flaps around that much would take it down with a stun gun. Geez louise, it sounds more dangerous than a 5-year-old with a bb gun!

I think Ben Elton (Mr. Oh-la-jolly-well-la) was being deliberately silly, so I'm willing to cut him some slack...

Beware demon eels accompanied by lobsters and antelope…

[maroukian.livejournal.com]

HaHaHaHaHaHa!!!
I’ve no idea which is the worse! …“one whole creature of live slime”
HaHaHaHaHa!

Oh gawd, I’m crying laughing...

I’m going to forward this Guardian link around-- no one should live another day without reading these!

…"Oooh-la-jolly well-la!" (I think I’ll use this one sometime soon for kicks)

I can’t choose the worst saucy scene, they’re all SOBAD!
Well, actually they’re less of a sauce, more of a glaze. HaHaHaHaHaHa!!! Somebody stop me! There, I’ll choose that one- “Villages” …“exposed his bare ass to the eagle eyes of a bunch of crows” You know, really… anyone can moon a crow, they are everywhere. I don’t know why Updike thinks it’s so special, that.

Re: Beware demon eels accompanied by lobsters and antelope…

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

"Oooh-la-jolly well-la!" (I think I’ll use this one sometime soon for kicks)

Hahaha...like maybe right in the middle of a meeting with a client..:)

Yeah, I really don't know what the fuck Updike was thinking. You have to wonder what his wife puts up with.

Updike: Honey, if you're done marinating...

Mrs. Updike: Forget it, I deglazed myself this morning.

Re: Beware demon eels accompanied by lobsters and antelope…

[maroukian.livejournal.com]

...like maybe right in the middle of a meeting with a client
Hell no, I wouldn't waste that one on a client. I was thinking more along the lines of springing it in FB to your next drabble :)
Forget it, I deglazed myself this morning.
hahaheehee... quick wit whip you are, Holy :)

[lelak.livejournal.com]

less of a sauce, more of a glaze

Does this mean that Nigella Lawson will be contributing her own entry to next year's selection?

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

Nigella wiping her mouth on a paper napkin would beat all that crap.

Ah, Nigella...

[noir-moll.livejournal.com]

Did we really need further proof that Brando was ape-shit bonkers?

I find it hilarious that Updike made the list, and his arch nemesis Tom Wolfe was on it last year. I suppose now they can needle each other about who writes the worst hanky panky.

And, ewwww! Dear Paul Theroux, I enjoy most of your work, however, involving eels in sexual imagery is beyond gross. Just, no.

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

I find it hilarious that Updike made the list, and his arch nemesis Tom Wolfe was on it last year. I suppose now they can needle each other about who writes the worst hanky panky.

That's right--I'd forgotten that Wolfe was on it last year (in fact, I think he won). All we need now is add Norman Mailer and Gore Vidal to the mix, and let the bitchfest begin!

[eclecticfan.livejournal.com]

from: Winkler by Giles Coren

...and he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro.

WTF?

although the sauce/glaze thingy was just weird - the inexperienced should not be allowed to use food as descriptions

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

the inexperienced should not be allowed to use food as descriptions

Hahaha...true dat, my friend!

[stargazer1960.livejournal.com]

It makes me wonder what the lovely THI typed in her search engine to find such sordid and sad prose. Hmmm?
But it does prove what I have always held true about sex. In the words of the Goddess Athena-Nike, "Just do it."

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

It makes me wonder what the lovely THI typed in her search engine to find such sordid and sad prose.

I found the link here. (http://www.aldaily.com/) My favorite culture-vulture site.